September 02, 2009
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Jake Black is a gentleman. Jake Black is a style maven. Jake Black is able to fall asleep in any place, outdoors or indoors, and wake up feeling refreshed in the morning. His summer pass at Timberline read Jake Blackburn and though he's from Colorado, he can put on a mean Australian accent. Jake is one of the funniest people you will meet, though he wears almost-socially-inappropriate short shorts very seriously. Jake Black is all of these things and a pretty darn good snowboarder, too. He spent his summer at Windells Snowboard Camp, sliding down the mountain busting tricks during the day and hanging out at camp smashing sandwiches by night. Here, since good things come in fours (four seasons, four food groups, four members of the Beatles, four Baldwin brothers, ) Jake Black lays out the important points of various important things in top four format.
Top four stylish items of clothing you wear:
1) Straw hat I got at a gas station on my road trip from Oregon back to Colorado.
2) My "Beatle" leather boots, got em off ebay.
3) My freedom short shorts.
4) Brown leather coat my high school photo teacher gave me.
5) My new Me.Glad jeans! Coming soon
Top four places to go to avoid the park scene on a sunny day at Breck:
1) Any back country cause nobody can find you there.
2) Log sliding deep in the trees of Breckenridge
3) Riding some Chair 6 on a powdery day.
Top four apres joints for cheap food in Breck:
1) Mi Casa dollar tacos!
2) Mi Zuppa for some fresh soup.
3) Empire Burger. They fall apart in your hand but they are good!
4) Giampietro's Pizza slices for only a few bucks.
Jake with a nice method in the Windells park.
Top four places to smash a sandwich:
1) Camp cafeteria [at Windells].
2) House bbq's.
4) Anywhere you have to pay for the sandwich and it is not served to you (a lot more pain involved there you know it hurts the wallet and brings tears).
Top four types of sandwiches to smash:
1) Pulled pork: goes everywhere. Just be careful not to get any on the smashee.
2) Reuben because you re taking those thousand islands and being like, "suck it."
3) Hamburger cause it s the most popular and most common sandwich to smash, [yet] still every time, people forget.
4) Peanut butter and jelly because it leaves the best fist mark when you re done.
Top four people who's sandwiches you'd like to smash:
1) K-mart cause he plays by Apanish ruling. AKA not so gentlemanly.
2) The guy who plays Jacob Black in the Twilight movie because that s my name! And because the movie is absolutely terrible, so somebody needs to put them in their place. It s not that being head of the werewolves is not bad ass, it s just that they had to hire the guy who played in the kids movie, Lava Girl and Aqua Boy or something like that.
3) Chuck Lengle because he seeks revenge, but he will never have it! I can always taste his pain.
4) Dylan Bidez because he moans and groans and wimpers, then forgets what happened and eats.
A textbook sandwich smash by J.Black.
Top four ways to have fun with Dylan Bidez:
1) Ask him how his standards are going.
2) Get him laughing and he will begin to suffocate and claim to be dying in the highest pitch voice you will ever hear.
3) Convince him to buy a pair of Apple Bottom jeans [editor s note: see photo at www.shredthestation.com].
4) Give him a fake mustache. He had a school photo one year with one.
*Alternate number 4) Get him and Ross [Baker] to wrestle, which will then become a wedgie fight. Then allow foreigners to duct tape them together.
Top four bands you must hear right now:
1) The Dead Weather- Jack White s new project.
2) Kyle Andrews.
3) Empire Of The Sun.
4) Dan Auerbach from The Black Keys.
Top four rejected band names for your Rock Band band:
1) 2/4 black. Basically the same thing as 50 Cent, except there are four members and two members whole dad's side of the family is black. [editor s note: Jeremy Black is the other Black member referenced]
2) Man Sodas. It s a term I use for beer, but others would disagree and say its putting men down.
3) Sigma Tri Delta (STD). Our motto would be: we have everything but the cure.
4) A Tribute to T. Swift.
Top four things to yell in the air while going off a jump:
1) I was skydiving this spring and was pretty scared out of my mind and did not want to go. But, my friends dad called me out and after that I knew I had to do it. So, I gave myself an alias name at the skydiving place I called myself NightHawk. My friends thought it was stupid. [They] told the guy I was jumping tandem with to knock me out if I said that again, but right before we jumped out, he turned to everybody and said "NightHawk rules!" I jumped and screamed "NIGHTTTTTHHHHAAAAWWWWKKKK! But, that has nothing to do with a jump.
2) Call out your trick you are doing while doing it, just in case somebody did not know.
3) Predict the future, like if you are going to fall say like "oh crap!" or "see ya. If you are going to land be like, "oh yeah!"
4) Bird noises.
Jake and fellow Windells counselor, Chuck Lengle with creative make up at the legendary Windells' Zombie Night.
Top four places to pass out after a long (or short) night:
1) A van, always tons of room to spread out and you can invite friends.
2) On a bench because you can be outside breathing in some fresh air.
3) [On an] airplane because you are sitting upright, in the most uncomfortable position and could be breathing right in someone's face, vut it would be rude to distract one s slumber.
4) Someone else's bed. It could be a friend or a random s, I mean as long as I gets mines!
Top four accents to put on that babes love:
1) Australian. They just melt for that one.
2) British-Australian blend. It makes me seem more international, if you know what I mean.
3) British- just in case I need a back up or if I wanted to talk like in Spinal Tap.
4) Cowboy, so its not quite Texan and not quite country. More or less, The Duke John Wayne.
And finally, top four reasons Eastbound and Down is awesome:
1) Kenny Powers.
2) School P.E..
3) Leopard print jet ski's.
4) Steroids and mullets.
For more on Jake, check out his sponsors: Flow, Smith, Quiksilver, Breckenridge Resort, Freestyle watches, me.glad (www.meglad.com), Purl and Satellite Boardshop.